


if words were enough

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 12:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21320527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: This is Callum, he’d told Pam Coker, with barely a clap on the shoulder. He works with Jay over at the funeral parlour.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 189





	if words were enough

**Author's Note:**

> for benthighway (robbosugden) at tumblr. I wanted to get this out before we get the actual scenes so I hope it's okay x

Callum orders his fourth drink, Ben's words still ringing in his ears.  _ This is Callum _ , he’d told Pam Coker, with barely a clap on the shoulder.  _ He works with Jay over at the funeral parlour. _

Callum had known it'd be difficult if he ever met the Cokers. It's not fair to think he's been living in Paul's shadow - or that Ben's ever made him feel like he's got to compete against something. Be something he's not.

But here he is alone, drowning his sorrows at the Albert and wondering how long he'll be forced to keep his distance.

Ben didn't even introduce him as a friend. Jesus.

"Alright?" some bloke says to Callum as he sits by him at the bar. Callum just gives him a grunt.

"A pint, ta," he asks the bartender, "And I think my mate here could use another of whatever that is."

Callum's eyebrows shoot up. "Mate?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Just seems a bit presumptuous if you ask me."

"Now that's a big word for a guy half cut," the guy says with a laugh. "Clearly you need another."

Callum gulps down the rest of his drink and takes the next one offered to him. “Alright, I’ll agree with you on that.”

Callum’s going to regret this in the morning, he knows, but he’s regretting so much already he figures, why stop there? He’d been so stupid to think Ben was on the same page as him, so stupid to think he could even hold a candle to Ben’s first and only love.

So stupid to think that maybe  _ they _ were in love too.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he groans to himself, digging the palm of his hand into an eye. He can already feel a headache blooming behind it, not helping the gurgle of his stomach.

“Let me guess,” the guys next to him says, apparently still there. “This is about a man.”

“That obvious?”

“You’re in a gay bar crying into your drink,” he teases. “Boyfriend?”

Callum scoffs. “No. Definitely not that.”

“Oh, right. Getting a clearer picture here.”

“Makes one of us.”

Ben messaged him all the time. He was always asking Callum out and telling him to stay over and talking about next week, Christmas, next year - the future. Callum hadn’t felt so sure about anything - and they’d only been dating a few weeks.

People always teased him about being dim - and he never really minded until now. Until it mattered.

“This ain’t happening,” a voice behind Callum says, and he and the other bloke spin to see Ben. His jaw is sharp with tension and his fists are curling at his sides. The last time Callum saw him look this angry, Ben was about to punch Jonno in the face.

“Ben-”

“Do one, mate,” Ben snaps at the other guy, and Callum has to stop himself from laughing.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. He ain’t interested. Move on.” 

“We was just talking,” Callum cries, getting up to face Ben, towering over him. “What do you care, anyway? I’m just the bloke that works with Jay.”

Ben finally has the decency to look shamed, his shoulders dropping and his eyes cast down. “Cal - ”

“I don’t want to hear it, Ben. You don’t get to cast me aside and then run back making some claim. It don’t work like that.”

“I just got scared, y’know - ”

“Scared?” Callum pushes at Ben’s chest. “Or ashamed?”

“Ashamed?”

“Of me! You don’t want Pam to think you’re just moving on with a nobody.”

“Seriously?” Ben shouts, looking shocked by the words. “I’d never -  _ Callum _ .”

“Oh, just go, Ben. Go be happy families with everyone else and leave me alone, yeah?”

“No, that ain’t,” Ben pulls Callum back to him as he tries to turn away, strong and forceful. “No. Hear me out.”

Callum’s stomach is turning from the sadness and the booze, and the music is suddenly too loud for his head. Having Ben here looking so beautiful, so close Callum can smell him - it’s too much and he has to get out of there.

Ben follows, of course.

“Cal, stop, please,” he calls, only catching up because Callum’s too exhausted to bother. He gets in front of Callum and holds two hands up. “I get your angry, I don’t blame ya, but it’s got nothing to do with how I feel about ya, alright? It’s got nothing to do with whetehr you’re good enough. Of course you’re good enough.”

“Then what was all that, huh? Callum who knows the Carters, Callum who works with Jay, Callum who lives in your old flat.”

“I know, I - ”

“I thought I was Callum, your boyfriend.”

Ben softens, his hands still up but faltering now. “That’s what you wanna be? Boyfriends?”

“Does it matter, if you can’t even tell someone I’m your friend.”

“It’s not…” Ben sighs and rubs at his face now. It’s lighter outside and Callum can see that he looks a little red-eyed, a little drawn. “It’s not someone, Cal, it’s Pam. Pam’s like … she was like a mum I never had once. The Cokers were the family I made for myself.”

Callum slowly deflates. “I know.”

“And … I donno. Telling her about you, about us … it made it very real and very scary, okay? I started realising that the way I was thinking about you was the way I used to think about Paul and … “

“Ben…” Callum starts, but Ben shakes his head to stop him.

“I spent a lot of time telling myself that it wouldn’t happen again, alright? I wouldn’t care about someone, so I couldn’t lose them so I wouldn’t get hurt. I thought about it for so long that I started to believe it, and then you came along. You with that face, and that heart and I couldn’t keep away from ya and I couldn’t be without ya and I just let it happen. I just surrendered like I did last time and … and … I’m so scared, Cal.”

It takes a long moment for Callum to finally move and pull Ben into his arms. There are tears threatening to fall and his chest is pounding so hard he can hear it in his ears. They’d been intimate, he’d seen Ben be vulnerable, but he never, ever thought he’d see Ben fall apart. Not like this. Not for him.

“I get it, I get it,” Callum says, trying to hush Ben as Ben tries to catch his breath. “I’m scared too. It’s different for you, you’ve lost a lot, I know, but … but I’m scared too. I don’t wanna lose you either.”

Ben’s hands dig into Callum’s back, and he moves his head up to curl into Callum’s shoulder and telling him, “You won’t. I’m sorry I - Pam knows you’re important to me. She sees right through me.”

“Wow, I definitely have to meet her. Properly, I mean.”

“You will. And … Callum. I’ll do better, alright? I’ll prove to ya...”

“No,” Callum stops him, pressing a kiss to his head and pulling him in again. “Don’t do nothing. Just … just be with me.”

“I’m here.”

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin.tumblr.com


End file.
